greetings from torino!

that's how i'd start this paragraph if i had been at the olympics. or visited torino. but i am not at the olympics. nor was in torino. i am home in los angeles. and although i know that going to torino would have meant getting to watch the games live, i opted to stay home. because i have tivo. and because i don't really watch the olympics...

except the figure skating. the whole time i just imagine that in the couples competition, one of the skaters is a unicorn... with ice skates strapped to its hooves, gliding somewhat awkwardly on four legs across the ice arena to the hypnotic beat of c & c music factory's "everybody dance now." the crowd at first are shocked and silenced by the sight of this mythical creature taking part in an olympic event, but they are slowly won over, their utter silence broken by the occasional lone hand clap, then a small cheer, building to a deafening roar of enthusiastic magnificence as the unicorn spins and leaps, throwing his partner high in the air. the beautiful routine builds in energy and ambition as the moments pass. just as it seems there is no earthly way for their routine to become any more gorgeous, they attempt the impossible: the never-before-seen quadruple axle sow cow triple lindy... and they land it!!!!

breathing hard, the routine ends with the unicorn striking a triumphant pose on his hind legs, his head and mane thrown back, huge smile on his face, front hoof pointed to the sky like john travolta in saturday night fever. the judges lose their minds. perfect tens across the board!! the camera cuts to the unicorn's parents in the crowd. his father jumps up and down and tears of pride roll down his mother's face. soon the unicorn and his partner take their place on the platform to receive their gold medals. as their national anthem ("you make my dreams" by darryl hall and john oats) plays, their flag (a rainbow with kindly merlin sorcerers on either side) is raised above the arena. it is not until then that princess leia approaches the podium. the unicorn and his partner proudly lower their heads as she places gold medals over their necks. the crowd goes wild!!! olympic history is made. with trumpets blaring, his partner mounts the beautiful creature. with a whinny and a rush of air, the two take to the skies and fly from the arena to the delight of the crowd. oh amazing day!! oh triumph!!

oh yeah i forgot to mention that in my make-believe olympic fantasy world, i am in fact the unicorn's partner. dammit, i KNEW i should have gone to torino!!! oh well, there is always 2010...


- Hi, My Name Is Mark

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